I recently had one of those mind blowing experiences that seems to have shaken my reality from its very core. For the first time in a long time, I can’t find the words to explain how I feel. Instead of soaking up the deliciousness of my journey, I have spent the last 48 hours trapped in an ongoing existential dialogue—staring intensely at the emotions, experiences, thoughts and values I am holding in this fragile human body. Struggling to make sense with, or make peace with the complexity and intensity of my life. But this experience wasn’t like the other moments in life when I could pause and reflect at my intense inner world and hold my emotions with tender compassion. No, this feeling was intense and big like a tsunami of clairsentience and clairvoyance. I literally watched as my whole life –past, present and future floated right in front of me. In an instant I was bigger and more powerful than I have ever been, simply because I could feel it. I stepped into my own personal power and it was amazing and inspiring and divine- that is until I had to step back into my body and this complicated life I have manifested. Now I feel all of the space, the emptiness where the bliss of simply being once was, at once. And it’s lonely and freeing and sad and exhilarating at the same time. Mostly though, it’s frustrating. And when I say frustrating, I mean the intense wake up at 2 am every night with big, heavy thoughts that carry into the next day like a spiritually induced hangover kind of frustration.
For the first time I realized that a big part of me doesn’t want to dabble in the art of fine tuning myself for the purpose of building intense interpersonal relationships and finding some assemblage of community. I literally realize that there is nothing more I want to do than experience as much of this beautiful, complicated world as possible without getting bogged down in the complicated web of interpersonal relationships. They’re necessary, but so draining and quite frankly I don’t really have the emotional energy or resilience to deal with other people’s emotions, when I can barely hold space for my own sometimes. So instead of doing what I normally do and pull away and make a big hot fuss, I am going to do the opposite– I am going to dive into my life and throw myself into my work. If I don’t get moving soon, this hellish energy will consume me and all I’ve worked for in the past 3 months will be undone.
Big stuff is happening over here people. The flood gates can’t hold back the storm. So buckle up, sit back or get the fuck out of the way cause shit’s about to get real—as if it wasn’t real enough before.